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current I love reading, cuddling with Kim and Bailyn, working with computers, playing The Sims 2, and waiting anxiously for the release of Sims 3. 
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2008-11-07 - 7:03 p.m. The third and final entry about our loss: This is the hardest part of the story to tell. Why? Because I can't remember most of it. I know I went to the hospital the next day. Bailyn was with my mother. The doctor induced labor. It was slow going. My body was as resistant to the idea as my mind was. I called my sister that evening, and she and my brother-in-law came to the hospital. At nearly 11pm, I could feel that it was almost over. The nurse told me to push whenever I was ready. Kim couldn't bear to see our baby that way, so he and BIL left the room... Even though I could feel that he was right there, I couldn't bring myself to push. I remember starting to push and then chickening out several times. Finally, I somehow brought myself to push him out. The amniotic sac was still intact, so the nurse broke it and turned the tiny baby over. She announced that it was a boy, and my sister said, "You were right!" I just kind of smiled at her. We both held the baby, and she took a whole roll of pictures. He was tiny - 6 3/4" and 7 oz. I was 18 weeks pregnant when he was delivered on that Wednesday, October 15, 2003. We buried him that Saturday. The pathology report showed no cause. He was perfect (looked just like his daddy), as was his placenta and umbilical cord. I got a blue rose tattoo with his name on a scroll-like banner the following December. I grieved horribly. It took a year and a half before I started to find a new normal. Kim and I talked about it in depth and decided against trying again. Especially considering that we had no idea what caused his death, we decided it would be too stressful to go through another pregnancy, and we had Bailyn to think about. I had my tubes tied 15 months after his birth. I have come a long way in the the past 5 years. I have firmly established a new normal, and I'm happy. I still think there is a space in our family for a #2, and I'd like to adopt a child a few years younger than Bailyn. Kim doesn't like change and is very reluctant. We're seriously discussing moving forward in January with an adoption. It's a hard situation to negotiate. I want to do it. He doesn't. We normally compromise on any situation. How do you compromise on this? He jokingly offered to adopt half a kid....we just can't agree on which half. I don't have a clue how this particular discussion will end up, but I sure wish I had a crystal ball... 2 comments so far beanie - 2008-11-08 05:05:39 Thanks for your comment. I was sorry to read of your loss, even if it was so long ago. But adopting a child that isn't a baby would give that little someone a new chance in life.. there are so many waiting for parents! ------------------------------- Sherry - 2008-11-08 12:57:09 Exactly! There are people on waiting lists for years for healthy infants, but kid somewhere between 4-7 is already out there and abandoned, just waiting on forever family. Like I told Kim last night, it would be hard at first, but once we got through the adjustment period and the kid figured out that he could make us mad as hell and we wouldn't give him back, life would settle into another new normal and we'd wonder how we ever functioned as a family of 3. It would literally be saving the life of a child, and it would end up being a wonderful and rewarding experience for us. -------------------------------
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