current
older
e-mail
diaryland

I'm a 29 year old chick living in the South. I'm married to Kim - happily married most of the time. Our daughter is 8-year-old Bailyn. I work in the I.S. Department of a nearby hospital. Oh, and I'm a pagan living in the Bible Belt.

I love reading, cuddling with Kim and Bailyn, working with computers, playing The Sims 2, and waiting anxiously for the release of Sims 3.

2008-11-19 - 9:22 p.m.
Operation Adoption - Abort Pending

OK, instead of going into our verbal exchange from last night, I'll copy and paste our email exchange from today. I'll try to insert explanatory comments in these brackets {} when necessary, but I think you can put most of it together reasonably well. If I don't explain something and it seems to be important, comment and ask for clarification. I'll respond asap...I'm pretty much devastated. This is going to be a long one. Consider yourself warned!

From me:
Explain this to me�.

What gives you the right to give me the silent treatment?

From him:
I am not giving the silent treatment. I have been busy this a.m. for a change. I love you and am sorry you feel I am giving you the silent treatment.

From me:
You did not speak to me last night. You did not speak to me this morning. You have not emailed. We have a hell of a problem on our hands, but I can�t see where you have any reason to be upset with me. And don�t even think about trying to say, �See? I told you we wouldn�t be OK if I didn�t go along with it {the adoption}.� The end decision is not our problem. How we arrived there is the problem. You never once analyzed the situation from a �yes, we can� perspective. You insist on starting from the �there�s no way� perspective and never even attempt to see around to the other side. I could say that if you truly cared about me, you�d at least do as you promised and try. It�s really not about me, though. You approach everything from an �it�s impossible� angle, even things you want. You don�t try at all, for anything. The duplex � me. You adopting Bailyn � me. The house � me. Most everything we do - me, me, me. I�m only assuming you wanted the duplex and the adoption, but I know you wanted the house. So we�ll go with that one. You zeroed in on the assumption that it couldn�t happen because of the bankruptcy, so you never tried. Even after the mortgage preapproval, you wouldn�t allow yourself to hope and try for it. You acknowledged last night that it�s probably a result of a lifetime of no responsibility, but you apparently aren�t interested in changing it. I�d hoped that baring my soul and telling you I wanted nothing more than I want a second child would serve as motivation for you to at least make an attempt to truly consider the idea. Apparently, not even your love for me will lead you to change. I have to tell you: the knowledge that I am likely to be a young widow and can adopt my second child after you�re gone is not really a comforting thought. If anything, it�s the saddest part of all.

From him:
You didn't speak to me last night or this morning and gave no inclination you wanted to. You gave me a fake kiss this morning. I love you and I love Bailyn. I liked the duplex once I actually saw it. I also am glad I adopted Bailyn. I want her to have a father who if nothing else is there. I mean I know I am no father of the year material and I just cant feel like I am cutting her short. I agree I had no idea that I could get a home loan and I don't think I would have had, had the banks not been loaning to people with less than glowing credit, which is why we are in the mess we are in now in as a nation {um...yeah, we're trying to get off track here}. I also was under the ruse that we had come to a compromise {I've wanted another child from the start and he has been set against it. We agreed to compromise and host an exchange student for a school year.} when we were going to the peg legged lady {referring to our marriage counselor}, I cant even think of her damn name now. We tried that {counseling or hosting an exchange student?} and I have to say it was not the most pleasant thing in my life. I am sorry you think i will die young, that makes me feel really well. Thanks.

From me:
Because I said nothing, we didn�t talk. Right there, you�re acknowledging one of my ongoing complaints. If we interact, I have to initiate it 9 times out of 10. When I walk in the door in the evenings you don�t even glance up until I make a point of coming over to you. If I didn�t make a point of speaking to you, we wouldn�t acknowledge each other. Yes, you liked the duplex once you saw it, but did you lift a finger in either house hunting process? You�re glad you adopted Bailyn. That�s my point. If I hadn�t taken care of everything � If I hadn�t dragged you along, none of it would have ever happened. With the house, even after we got a preapproval, I took care of the house hunting and had to pretty much drag you to see the ones you looked at. You don�t try for anything. You ARE a good dad, and you would be just as good to 2 as you are 1. I told you before, I have tried for years to be OK with the compromise we came to when we were seeing Dr. Cox, but it�s not working for me. I can�t help that. I can�t just snap my fingers and make the desire disappear, and it�s unreasonable for you to expect me to have that capability. As far as that goes, I can point the finger at you for causing this mess. If you hadn�t pretended in the beginning that we would look into adopting �later this year� or �next Spring� or anytime later than whenever we were talking. Just like you did this time: you have never had any intention of seriously considering it. You were saying whatever you could to shut me up and put it off. Toying with someone (especially someone you claim to love dearly) that way makes you a cruel, selfish, lying bastard.

As far as me saying that I will likely be a young widow, I don�t know what you want me to say. It�s not knowledge I revel in. It�s definitely not what I�m hoping for. However, the facts are what they are. You are 14 years older than I am. You spent many, many years abusing your body horribly. You still drink (more by the day, it seems�there�s rarely a night now when you don�t have a beer in your hand) and smoke. In addition to the alcohol damaging your liver, you spent several years taking Tylenol PM every single night. That much acetaminophen does further damage to your liver. Am I supposed to naively assume that we will be chilling together when I�m 70? Yeah, it could happen. It�d be great if it did. Chances aren�t great, though. Surely you are aware of that, even if you don�t like to think of it. When I said last night that you would be sorry one day, this is more along the lines of what I meant (as opposed to it being a threat). There will come a day when you will wish you had not been so stuck and unwilling to consider change, for any number of reasons.

The counseling helped us a lot, I think. The hosting wasn�t a good experience, but I�m not sorry we tried it. I can think of nothing I�ve experienced that I�m sorry I tried. And as far as adopting goes, there is a several month lapse between the child being placed and finalization. If we can�t handle the kid or you meltdown or whatever, the placement can be disrupted and the kid is sent back into the foster care system. That sounds mean, but if it has to happen, it has to happen. If we tried it and that was the end result, I would hate that it ended that way, but I wouldn�t be sorry we tried it. However, the adopting or not is not the problem at hand here. The problem is your refusal to try for anything outside the status quo unless I drag you into it. Do you understand my point?

From him:
I have gotten better about speaking to people, but I can tell when you dont really want to talk to me and this morning and last night it was resounding. I dont understand why we wasted the time going to see Cox. I mean we had a compromise and it didnt work that well (having Rebecca) ; however, I could be open to doing that again but right now I just cant come to terms with having another permanant child. Well you had told me that the compromise would satisfy you and it hasnt and that was a lie. I just wish i knew what got this going. I dont believe it just happened. I agree i shouldnt drink but at least I dont binge drink anymore. You also used to take Tylenol PM every night, so you are in the same boat there. I feel almost as betrayed as you do. We wasted money going to that bitch, which wasnt fun and games for me, and it was a waste of time and money in my book. I do love you but I dont believe emotional blackmail would be a good reason to adopt a child. I l do love you and Bailyn and I dont feel i do the best by you as i could and dont see how adding another will help.

From me:
You�re right. I didn�t want to talk to you. I am beyond disappointed in you for your level of selfishness. I think I truly believed that where you wouldn�t go the extra mile for yourself, you would do it for me if I expressed to you how important it was. So I guess that when I get home in the evenings, you don�t speak to me until I make a point of speaking to you because�.? We got a lot worked out by going to see Dr. Cox, and if all those sessions culminated in only this one issue for you, then you are shortsighted and missed the point again. I did not lie. I gave every effort to make our agreement work for me. If you�re honest with yourself, you�ll admit you�ve known this whole time that my desire never went away. No, it didn�t �just happen.� What �just happened� was me reaching the point where I got tired of pushing my greatest desire to the back of my mind because bringing the issue to the forefront would upset Kim and make Kim uncomfortable. You feel betrayed?! Why? Because I decided to insist that we stop ignoring my feelings because it makes you uncomfortable? Because for once, I didn�t make your comfort and happiness my #1 priority? Because I finally decided to acknowledge my desires as valid and worthy?

You�re right. Emotional blackmail is not a reason to adopt a child. By making that statement, you are announcing loud and clear that you are missing the point AGAIN. Our big problem now is not about the adoption. It�s about your refusal to try to do anything, no matter which of wants whatever issue is at hand. It�s so funny to me that I can tell you several times what I�m not saying, and you will still respond as if I said that very thing. I believe you do this deliberately (maybe subconsciously?) as a method of avoiding the point and derailing the discussion. How exactly am I emotionally blackmailing you, anyway? By forcing you to hear how strongly I feel about something? How dare I stand up for myself?! Especially after I try my hardest to appease you for years! I�m telling you, I have some nerve. Now, on top of the other issues we were discussing, we get to add one more. How do you justify classifying it as emotional blackmail when I make my feelings known and insist that they be addressed? However, going back to the adoption issue: You don�t feel like you do as well as you should by us? Then identify what you need to do differently and do it. Having a second child isn�t going to change that. Coming away from the adoption issue: Adoption isn�t our big problem at this point.

Yes, I used to take Tylenol every day. No, it wasn�t good, but I didn�t compound the problem by abusing alcohol for 20 years. Are you seriously going to try to divert attention from the real issue by engaging me in argument about your health?

From him:
Well that is why I didnt say anything, I know when you dont want to talk. I thought we had all issues worked out to our satisfaction. I mean why did we do the sham of the supposed compromise only to have the same problem again plus went through a school year of almost pure hell. I just wish you had said something then, you had to know that the exchange wasnt going to do it. I mean you say I dont sacrifice for you, well that school year was a sacrifice for you, I didnt really want to do that but I did. I do value how you feel or I would have never gone to see Dr. Cox. I dont deliberately respond to things you are not saying. I am working on doing some things I should do better, but I dont see how another child can help me do that. I am going to work hard on an issue you have been having a real problem with lately, the drinking. I know I shouldnt, I just have to somehow beat the urge. AA only makes me want to drink or make a noose. I guees I have to find the fortitude inside of ME to do that.

From me:
What part of �I really, really tried� is unclear? I tried to meet you in the middle. Did I know that it wouldn�t work? I don�t know. Maybe I was too busy trying to deny my feelings to think it through. I think maybe I realized that it wasn�t going to work the night that girl {a friend of Rebecca's who came in here telling me how we're not Rebecca's parents and have no right to tell her what she can and can't do and a bunch of other BS...my big problem with that is that Rebecca was obviously feeding them a bunch a BS about us} stormed up in our house showing her ass. I never felt the same about Rebecca after that. We never were parents to her. Would it have worked if we�d bonded with Rebecca? I honestly don�t know. Can�t you understand that? Can�t you also understand that I can�t just snap my fingers and make the desire for another child go away? Just like you can�t snap your fingers and want one. A second child won�t help you work on the things you need to work on. It also won�t hurt much.

As much as you dislike change, how in the world does it make sense to choose taking another temporary child and refuse a permanent one that we can settle into a new routine with? If you�re open to a temporary child, how about opening a discussion on fostering? I�m not saying that I want to go for that. I�ve thought about it before, but rejected it off the cuff because of your dislike of change. I said numerous times before we ever met that I wanted to be a foster parent one day. At this point, I don�t know if I could cope with the loss of the children, but I�m willing to consider it. It will help children in need (which is one reason I want to adopt, only fostering will help more children) and it will firmly fill my need to be a mother to more than one (but I�d have to give them up, which I would have to seriously think about whether I could handle it). And there is another alternative built in here: if we�re fostering a child that has had the parental rights terminated, we would have the option to adopt if we decide we want to. (Point here, we would begin as a temporary parent and become permanent if we changed our minds later.) I�m feeling somewhat hopeful about being able to bring this conflict to conclusion now. Foster kids belong to the state, so they are on Medicaid, free lunches, child care paid, etc, along with the parents being paid a certain amount for each day the child is with them. It�s not a profitable endeavor, but the money helps offset the cost of having the kid there. What do you think about this possibility?

I can�t give you any helpful advice on the drinking.
__________________________________

Whew. You still with me? If so, thanks for caring enough to hang in there for me. Tomorrow, I'll post the Cliffs Notes version of the verbal conversation we had tonight.

last - next